fantasy baseball

i'm a firm believer that any game can and should be converted into an adult version for added entertainment. and since we've just gotten into baseball season, it's time to play my very own brand of fantasy baseball.

the rules are simple:
1. pick the players you want in your....dugout.
2. gawk at them as they run around in their tight little uniforms.

3. the end. game over. everybody wins.

in the danger version of fantasy baseball, you don't need to fill every field position, because the only positions that matter...are the dirty ones you create in your mind.

here are the players in my starting line up:

bernie williams. i don't care that he's not even playing. he can ride my bench all season.

derek jeter. aye aye, captain.

andy pettitte. why yes, i'd love to pet it.

el duque. nice bum, where ya from?


barry zito. or as i call him, barry mchottie-face.

gabe kapler. hot jew in socks. too bad they're red sox.

grady sizemore. because size matters.

torii hunter. i'd like to show him my twin cities.

mike mussina. so mike, why do they call you moose?

i realize that i have 4 starting pitchers on my team, but that's because i like men who can handle the mound.

*note: in an unusual display of self-restraint, i refrained from using the following euphemisms (but that doesn't mean i wasn't thinking about them and cackling): foul tip, hot box, backdoor slider.