...wrapping it up

i rang in 2005 in the front row at a flaming lips/wilco concert. when the clock struck midnight, i was literally 5 feet from jeff tweedy. he was wearing bunny rabbit pajamas. needless to say, it was a pretty promising start.

the problem with starting the year on a high note is that it's likely the rest of the year will go downhill from there.

with that said, here's my 2005 in a nutshell...

thumbs-upski (top 3):
airplane! paris! amsterdam!
getting a real job
tanglewood

(these may not sound very impressive to some of beer and pancakes' more worldly readers, but that trip to paris was a lifetime in the making. as for the 'real' job...let's just say that my previous gig was at a jewish audiobook company - i wish i was kidding. and tanglewood, well that was awesome.)

thumbs-downski (bottom 3):
taking FOREVER to quit the barn
still residing in the garden state
i remain utterly confused as to the meaning of life and my purpose here on earth

there are lots of other highs and lows mixed in there somewhere, among them: meeting george saunders (high), not getting the apartment on w. 83 st (low), eel's birthday celebration (high), writing workshop with arthur bradford (high), almost getting killed on the d.c. metro (low, but funny in retrospect), just to name a few.

anyway, here are some other 2005 statistics you might find interesting:

stories started and not finished: 7
hours worked overtime since june: 100
bags i bought in paris: 1
pairs of converse sneakers i left in amsterdam: 1
the one phrase i learned how to say in dutch: "sprekt u engels?"
most played song on ipod: "fight song" by the flaming lips
times i went to applebees with the barn folk: 3
favorite writers met: 2 (see above)
impulse purchase of the year: button maker
times i've stood outside cafe lalo and recited dialogue from "you've got mail": 5
number of times i was in the same room as ann coulter: 1 (which is 1 too many)
paid vacation days i was allowed at work: 5
paid vacation days i took: 7 (don't ask)
hours spent in traffic: thousands
weddings attended: 1
midterm or final exams taken: none, bitches!
number of meat'normous sandwiches consumed: 0

overall, a decent year. i'm making new year's resolutions, but i think it's bad luck to share them. i will say this: i intend to spend less time with ann coulter in '06.

jesus wore pinstripes

remember this post, when i said "johnny damon, you're the only one i don't hate. come to the dark side."?

well guess what, bitches?!

heeeeeeeeeeeeere's johnny!!!!!!!



i'm out of my head excited right now. i know he's got a weaker arm than bernie, a weaker arm than pretty much anyone, but i'll worry about that after he hits a thousand million home-runs in a yankee uniform. i'm sorry sox fans, i really am. oh wait, no i'm not, i hate you. in fact, now that we've got damon, i really do hate all of you. but not as much as i pity you.

Bassi to Times: "Change does not happen overnight..."

remember when bassi was famous?

ladies and gentlemen, beer and pancakes' very own bassi is quoted in the NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES!

toto, we're not in medford/somerville anymore. this is for real.
(see page 2)

bassi, congrats. this is huge and wonderful news. you're the beast. i mean it.

miami vs. new jersey

today i texted eel to check in, since i haven't heard from her in awhile, and she hasn't been blogging or AIM-ing at work, and we haven't outlook-chatted for like a week. turns out, she's in MIAMI. for work. eel is a big girl with a big girl job that sends her to miami. oh, and london.
meanwhile, know what i did today at work? i watched "father of the bride 2" on HBO and read the latest issue of new york magazine. also, i taught a co-worker how to play flip cup. and i browsed IMDB's "memorable quotes" from "robin hood: men in tights," which i love.

bongo-riffic

i watched this movie called "me and you and everyone we know" tonight. it's so self-indulgant and independent and quirky, and i wouldn't nbecessarily recommend it, except for this one hilarious scene in which these kids try to cyber with someone online and their idea of dirty talk is saying "i want to poop back and forth. forever." which means exactly what it sounds like it means. it's so sick and funny and the kid in the movie is so freaking cute and a way better actor than that haley joel osment shithead.

also, i am currently experiencing the joy of an ebay victory. i bought a bongo board. if you're not familiar, it's the funnest and most dangerous toy EVER for a person of my athletic ability. the one i bought on ebay is the original, i think it's from the 60s or something. basically, all the money i earned by working overtime this weekend i just blew on this thing, so you can just bet it's awesome. not only have i wanted one of these things for awhile, but i was outbid on one about six weeks ago, so this victory is especially sweet. it always makes me feel good to have something that other people want but couldn't have.

here's a picture of me on my new bongo board:


okay, that's not me, it's some dude from like 50 years ago, but you get the idea. i'm gonna rock.

sunday afternoon delight

these are my favorite things about sunday:

-the west wing (when it's on, which is NEVER, actually)
-the new york times style section
-zabars brunch- it just tastes better on sunday morning. i can't explain it.
-80s movies on TBS, TNT, etc.
-the 70's MUSIC EXPLOSION INFOMERCIAL.

first, let me state my firm belief that if you don't hold a special place in your heart for infomercials, you are dead inside.

second, timelife knows what it's doing. they have the best music compilations ever.

the 70s music explosion infomercial is co-hosted by barry williams, a.k.a. "greg brady," a.k.a. "not the one who's engaged to the model, the other one" and some other female baby-boomer. barry williams wears an AWFUL purple silky shirt, which i guess is supposed to look like it's from the 70s, but actually looks like he borrowed it from one of the "night at the roxbury" guys. anyway, greg brady and his lady friend are inconsequencial, because this infomercial is all about the 70s: the sequins, the polyester costumes, the BEARDS, and of course, the awesomely bad music.

highlights of the collection include:
-billy don't be hero
-afternoon delight
-love will keep us together
-escape (the pina colada song)
-hot child in the city

and artists such as:
-hot chocolate
-a taste of honey
-blue suede
-the main ingredient

these are the songs that get played on lite fm radio and in supermarkets and elevators and have somehow seeped into my brain without my realizing it until i watch this fucking infomercial and squeal with delight at every track and think to myself, i loooove that song!



anyway, every time this infomercial comes on, i have to watch it IN ITS ENTIRETY. it's just that good. i highly recommend it. it's on pretty much every sunday. oh yeah, and if you want to buy it for me, the entire collection is available for only 4 easy payments of $29.99.

but wait, that's not all...you can see the masterpiece here.

remember when you read this blog?

learn to speak our language: lesson 1

bassi, eel and i have this adorable (sometimes annoying) habit of overusing the phrase "remember when...?"

"remember when" comes in handy not only when reminiscing, but also when you want to subtly point out something that's happening in the present. let me give you an example:

let's say bassi, eel, and i are at artu for dinner. bassi orders the fusilli with sausage and broccoli rabe (as usual) and then tells us a story about the time she walked a blind man into a hand railing.* bassi says "remember when i walked that blind man into a hand railing?*" eel and i laugh and nod. let's say that while bassi is telling her story, i notice that she has broccoli rabe in her teeth. i say "hey bassi, remember when we were at artu and you had broccoli rabe in your teeth?" bassi quickly rights the situation, then we finish our bottle(s) of wine and go to mike's pastry for dessert. the end.

see how it works?

i'll admit, we went a little overboard with the "remember when"s during our last few days at tufts, when we'd walk around our apartment saying "guys, remember when we were graduating on sunday?!" and then we'd cackle madly. you see, "remember when" can, in fact, be used for the future tense, but only by trained professionals or manic-depressive college seniors.

if there was a point to bringing up the "remember when," i've forgotten it. oh yes, it's funny. and i plan to use the "remember when" many times in the future, so now you'll all know what the hell i'm talking about. sort of.


*bassi swears this was an accident.

"that was awfully nice of you, leo."

john spencer died today and i keep remembering the west wing episode where jed gives leo the framed "barlet for america" napkin that he saved for all those years.

when bad videos happen to good bands....

remember when weezer didn't suck?

no, me neither.

they suck so bad right now, they've actually cancelled out all memory of the awesomeness of the blue album and pinkerton.

weezer pretty much jumped the shark when they let the olsen twins use "holiday in the sun" as the title and theme song for one of their straight-to-video movies.

it's too bad, since they used to kick serious ass. i mean, the "buddy holly" video pretty much ruled, and set the stage for outkast's "hey ya" nearly 10 years later.

alright, now that i've gotten that off my proverbial chest, i'm going to sleep.

mmm, whiskers

a few words about the loves of my life. there have been many, i'm not going to lie. but this entry will be dedicated to the men of reality tv who have stolen my heart.

now i've spent more time following reality tv than i like to admit. hell, i taught a college course on the subject. i shit you not. (i heart you, tufts) among the countless cast members i've encountered throughout the years, a few have won me over and managed to induce the phenomenon known to me as "the tingles." (i wont' get into details here, the name really does say it all). anyway, here are my top 3:

1. jason, from the real world: boston. oh, jason. the brooding poet with the perpetual five o'clock shadow. so sexy. he looks like he walked out of a dress rehearsal for "rent." he was too cool for the cameras, and behaved as if he'd signed up for the real world without knowing he was going to be taped the whole time. he was kind of aloof, but still sensitive. and he had a girlfriend named...timber? what? well, for that, i'll forgive him. jason had me at "hello." and he's kept my respect by refusing to exploit himself on "battle of the sexes" or "the gauntlet" (though lord knows i'd be psyched to see him again).

2. jamie, from the real world new orleans. yum. jamie was the ivy-league do-gooder who was all prissy when he arrived in new orleans but left a changed man. he and julie the morman struck up a very special friendship of mutual respect and admiration and then i think they made out for like a second. but then jamie showed up on the last battle of the sexes with a very very sexy bushman facial-hair thing, and i forgave him for kissing the morman. jamie's on the current season of "the gauntlet" sans facial hair, and it's not a pretty picture. hopefully while on the island(s) of trinidad and tobego, he lets loose and gets those whiskers back.


3. johnny knoxville, of jackass. the sadist in me really loves johnny knoxville. unlike jason and jamie, johnny wears his tortured soul on the outside, in the form of paintball shots to the groin. johnny has also been known to rock the facial hair. and he wears converse


so what have we learned? i enjoy men with J names and facial hair and i watch bad tv.

(not included in this post is dan from road rules northern trail. you all remember dan, he was the all-american boy from the midwest, the perfect gentleman, the varsity athlete. and he ended up getting it on with tara, the blond but sweet party girl from cali, and even though they were humping, he was too much of a gentleman to admit it on the show. ahh, chivalry. anyway, dan will get his own post at a date TBA because he really takes the cake and he doesn't fit in with the others, seeing as he does not have a J name, facial fuzz, or chuck taylors. also, i can't find a photo online that does him justice.)

making a list

two things i learned the hard way this weekend:

1. crazy glue got its name for a reason. enough said, i think. there were some scary moments that i don't wish to recall right now.

2. i was way funnier in college than i am now. what happened? i don't know whether to blame new jersey or my job or what. it can't be jersey, though, because anyone who's been on a NJ Transit bus knows this is a damn funny place. the point is this: i used to have razor sharp wit, and now i only have razor sharp teleprompting skillz.

anyway, i made up for these disappointments by staying in my pajamas all day today and consuming my weight in cake batter ice cream. i'm feeling much better now. who needs funny when you can be fat?

p.s. i'm compiling my christmas/chanukah/kwanzaa/winter solstice card list, so if you've been good this year and you don't have the same address as last year, you should email me. if you're a friend or former co-worker, you're getting a card signed by yours truly. if you're a supervisor/manager/scheduler/attractive news anchor from work, you'll be getting something fancy - most likely a gourmet gift basket and an acknowledgement when i pass you in the corridor. if you're the person responsible for the "pooperation" sign, you get my undying gratitude and maybe i'll make out with you at the holiday party.